Ok, YES…this seems rather late to the game. In all honesty I wrote this on New Year’s eve…I just held it back. But with everything that happened the first 3 weeks of POTUS – he who shall not be named – “45” and the literal shit storm of the cabinet, the political chaos, and the utter denial that everything is SO VERY WRONG right now…. I decided what the hell. Come New Year’s 2017 we may live in an Oligarchy reflective of 1940s Germany – so I may as well have Freedom of the Press while it exists.
This year has had it’s more than fair share of ups and downs. It started so wonderful…so full of hope and promise and direction. Then it all just went to shit. Like the turning of seasons, or from the middle of the month to PMSing, everything seemed to go from sunny days and friends to literally “what the fuck?!” being the daily motto.
In January we started a new business. An amazing idea that would have helped SO many people. We had support of people who had adopted us into their families, we had an small investor and new very dear friends, we had relatively good relationships with family and my personal business was exploding. I was offered a job doing my second love – dance and coaching. Facebook was filled with humor and support systems, and I was naive in believing things about my personality that I could change – or were a phase.
Then it went so. Very. Wrong.
I won’t go into detail…that’s not the purpose of this post. But let’s say in less than 7 months I’ve been taught “family” is a dirty word, and betrayal, deceit, and abandonment will always be a major part of my life. It’s simply the cards I’ve been dealt, and I’m finally owning certain realities. No detail, just a recap: all before August, a church betrayed us causing us to lose our business. A dear friend told the church in not so many words that we were thieves because we didn’t want to buy abandoned property that we were told we could have. Our adopted family checked in even less than when I was a new (and frankly very terrified) mom. My sister needed rescuing from an abusive man she’d abandoned her children for and had pulled a gun on her in the woods – only to find out she was addicted to crack or meth. Our families had such intense and devastating falling outs that we didn’t speak for 6 months – to either of them. I was on the verge of near hospitalization from a nervous breakdown. We were almost homeless, with a 2 year old. The investor – who knew NOTHING about business, just believed in us – decided not to invest more to buy us the mere 6 weeks we needed to be profitable, but lose the original investment instead because he no longer believed. One of our partners abandoned the business within the first few months because we weren’t profitable, yet – then sabotaged future investor meetings. I was severely betrayed by someone I believed was one of the best friends I ever had. I was fired from the gym as a coach AND their graphic designer because “God told her to wash her hands of me.” I was lead to believe by the same person that my fear and stress was a direct result of not being Christian, and told that it was because of ME my husband could not get ahead. This statement made me question my faith, my beliefs, and made me believe my husband had to chose God and thrive – or me and be burdened and struggle forever. I nearly filed for divorce that day to save him. This was said to me the day we were packing up our business.
To further the boot in the ass this day, the former best friend announced in front of our clients and business landlord that I “have a very combative personality” and my mere presence was stressful and toxic (because I had nothing to be stressed about – obviously), a member of the former adopted family showed up solely, it seemed, to ensure his abandoned property did not make its way onto the truck, and I discovered that in Oregon the statute for suspended license and SR22 is five years, not the 1 year like the rest of the country. So I had to fork out a few hundred to legally drive (for the third time since my car was totaled 4.5 years ago).
Oh. And then Trump happened. It was like hatred, homophobia, racism, misogyny, extreme hypocrisy, condescension, and the complete disregard for humanity had been playing a morbid hide and seek game and, after choosing the perfect leader for it, popped out of the dark closet screaming “Tada!” like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. It’s been terrifying and overwhelming, so I’ll just avoid THAT issue all together this time.
Here’s the funny thing about ALL the shit from this year. I have a very deep connection to God, the universe, and my beliefs. I KNOW I understand more than most – and think I’m crazy or not – but I’ve had quite a few conversations with God to confirm this thought, as well as reassure me that most people DO have it wrong. So to have my entire world collapse before me and choose THAT moment to tell me I’m the reason my husband is suffering…well. From that point forward mixed with all the betrayal and deceit that have all had just ONE thing in common this year… let’s just say the way to make me shut down the fastest with you is to tell me you are Christian.
Since then, I’ve had more conversations with God and “come to Jesus meetings” with myself than I ever have before in my life. Somehow or another a fire got lit under my ass. Hearing from your creator over and over again that you are right, and that you just need to own what he has given you is one hell of a confidence booster. Weirdness, social faux pas, personality issues, universal gifts, and modern/ancient taboos included. It’s also a bit of a slap in the face when God tells you the powers he gave to you at birth would have prevented more than half of the turmoil the last five years, if I had simply accepted them, owned them, and use them…instead of believing others when they told me that my gifts were wrong and I needed to walk away from them.
With this recent revelation, it was also brought to my attention that I was surrounded by people who were toxic for me. Not every single one, but a vast majority. Family, friends, associates…numerous people that insisted my husband, son, and I were very important to them. Yet, a check-in text message was too much to ask, so forget about a coffee date. I do take some blame, the road does work both ways. But in the same breath when someone tells you “I just don’t have time” but they’re still friends with you on Facebook and you see how they miraculously have time for everyone else (barbecues, shopping trips, traveling to visit others, beach trips, babysitting, swimming, ice-skating. The list is endless really), the reality of realizing you’re just not that high on their priority list – If you’re on it at all – is both humbling and devastating.
I can’t change anything that happened this year, and I don’t think that I would, to be honest. If there’s one thing I’ve been taught it’s that sometimes the worst things possible, are what’s needed to have the best things happen. We desperately needed someone to love us when we were homeless five years ago because my husband lost his job and we lost everything. And now, we desperately needed to reevaluate everything that was happening in our life up to this year. With our personal life, our influences, our businesses, and the people we let in. After all, a seed needs to explode and be ripped apart if it’s going to become a tree. By being the proverbial toddler running with scissors, it seems God took away our favorite toy. But scissors can be extremely dangerous… Though useful, and necessary for some things, when held on to for no other reason than because you want them, they become a danger to yourself and everyone around you.
I recently told someone it was like the universe was waiting for me to throw in the towel and say “fuck it” (because literally everything was disintegrating into huge piles of steaming shit this year)… So that I could finally turn around and see the giant, sparkly, star filled door that was wide-open behind me. I gotta tell ya, I’ve just barely stepped through the threshold of that door, but it’s like stepping into a totally different world. I’m not going to apologize any longer for being who I am, for having the beliefs that I do, for having a different approach to business, and for not fitting into any box that others feel is more appropriate. Because that box is actually a coffin, and I’ll be damned if I’m ready to curl up and die.