Baby Quotes – “How a baby is born”

As a former nanny and preschool teacher, I’ve heard some amazing stuff over the years. I have an immensely entertaining list I’ve acquired – straight from the mouths of babes! I’m calling this series: “Baby Quotes!”

The people I most recently nannied for had the same thought process as me: if a child asks a question, you answer it age appropriately. That way, they have their answer and don’t find out potentially embarrassing and very false information.

So when I first started with Maddy and Andrew in August of 2010, I wasn’t too surprised when Maddy told me how Andrew came “out of his mom’s belly.” I WAS surprised, however, by the interactive performance…

I just laid the then 1.5 year old Andrew down for a nap. When I came back downstairs to play with Maddy, she popped off the couch and decided we needed to play house. I was the mommy, she was the little girl…and then she informed me that I was pregnant as well.

So she stuffs a baby doll under my shirt and pats it. She then says, very matter of fact, “Ready for the hospital?”
I blinked and said, “What?! Hospital?!”

The look she gave was a mix of annoyance and superior intelligence when she said, “Well. I certainly can’t make the baby come out of your vagina!”

Ok then. So she grabs a bag she had made for me, complete with ribbons, pretty jewelry, a few drawings, a fairy wand, and a play stethoscope. All the necessities. She makes me lay down on a makeshift “bed” in the living room with cushions, throw pillows, and a blanket then suddenly yells: “ok! PUSH!”

So, I make a funny face and pretend to push. “No! Push harder!” she yells.
I do it again, this time I make a small grunt noise. Suddenly she whips the baby out of my shirt and says, “Here. Let me show you,” while shoving me to the side.

She lays down, puts the baby in her shirt and begins to writhe and flail as though in agony. Then she pushes once, obviously very hard, and pulls the baby out of her shirt.

I was dumbfounded…was she in the room when Andrew was born?! So I asked her.

“No NO NO!” She says. “Mom told me that a baby grows in the belly, then when he’s ready, comes out of her body from your vagina. She said the baby changes in your body, just like food changes to make poop, which is why he comes out the vagina and not the belly.”

“I understand,” I say, “so why the hospital?”

“Because the special doctor makes sure the baby is clean and happy when he comes out.”

“Ok…” I say tentatively, “then why were you rolling around like you were in pain?”

“Because, I heard daddy tell Uncle Charlie that he’s glad he’s not a woman because mommy screamed at him and told him he didn’t know real pain until his vagina was being ripped in half.”